Everything you want
by Tella
Summary: Syaoran was looking for the one person who could change his life forever. She was not, in his mind, the person he was looking for, yet she was everything he ever dreamed of.
1. Chapter 1

**EVERYTHING YOU WANT**

**SUMMARY:** Syaoran was looking for the one person who could change his life forever. She was not, in his mind, the person he was looking for, yet she was everything he ever dreamed of.

**CHAPTER 1**

If you really want to you can change your life. All you have to do is to find her. She can make you into anything you like. You can become a surgeon, a fireman or even the president of the country. She can turn you into anything you desire and make you believe. At the end you will believe that you have always been what you once wished to be. She will make everyone around you believe. You will live in a created world and believe that it is real.

If you can find her.

In history only a few men and women have ever managed to find her. She is elusive. There are always rumours floating around. Some claim that she is a young girl, no more than ten years, others that she is an attractive woman in her thirties, others still say that she could pass for the loveable granny from down the lane. No one really knows what she looks like that those who have met her could never remember.

She made them forget.

I am searching for this girl or woman. I need her to change my life, to give me something to live for. Right now I have nothing but hate and sorrow, and it is slowly consuming me.

Faces passed by in a slight blur. I wasn't paying attention. There is no need to. They are all just people going about their own business. Some might go off to work, others to do chores or the shopping for the house, others might still be off to school and some might even be off to visit their lovers. I closed my eyes as more faces passed by the train window. I am tired and the trains are too crowded.

The doors closed and the train started to move again. It has a steady rhythm to it. It's nothing like the old steam engines that were around at first. These trains are much quieter, but there is still a steady noise to them. I listened to it. I focused on it, blocking out the voices of the two girls in the seats behind me. They're talking about me. Whispering about me… I cut it out. I could only hear the train.

The train came to a halt at another station. Its name is announced. 'Please watch your step.' The recorded voice echoes on the station. The girls get off. I can feel their eyes on me when they pass. More people get on. The seat behind me is taken once more. The train doors close again and the train starts moving. "Excuse me, may I sit here?"

I open my eyes and look up at the owner of the voice. I glance around the cart. Every seat is taken. I move my bag in a silent answer. She gives me a grateful smile and sits down next to me, her bag on her lap. She pushes white earphones into her ears. She is an iPod addict like the rest of the world. The play button is pressed and she leans back and closes her eyes.

I turn to look at the surrounding area. It moves by fast. Buildings off all kinds, graffiti flash by in an instant. White, white, blue, blue, white, blue, white, blue… Rival gangs having fun while defiling the walls of the country. The more graffiti the gang has in a dangerous place the more respected that gang gets. It's a load of bull.

The girl starts tilting her head for side to side, letting it bob to the rhythm of the music. Her short hair bounce against her shoulder and then against her ear. Form side to side. Constantly. Her lips start moving and she let silent words run over them. She is enjoying the music she is listening to.

I let my eyes move from her reflection to the one of a man. He is staring at her. His eyes are focused on her as she moves without noticing that she is being watched. He grins and turns away. She is another pretty girl to him. Just another face on a train. His entertainment for the morning. I turn away form the window and stole a glance of him. He has a wedding band on his finger. Later today he will tell his wife about this silly girl he saw on the train bouncing along with the music on her iPod.

"I am everything you want. I am everything you need." I try to hide my smile. Her words are coming out in a whisper. Just loud enough for me to hear. "I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be." Her voice isn't exactly made for singing. "I say all the right thing at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why." I've heard this song before. It's a real chick's song. I let out a small laugh. Her eyes snap open and a bright red blush crept onto her cheeks. "Sorry."

"It's alright." She flashed me a smile. Her mouth is almost too big for her. The same with her eyes. Maybe her nose is too small. I don't quite know. She has freckles on her cheeks and across her small nose. Her face is brown form the sun. She can't be more than seventeen. She should be in school. She turns away. Her eyes close and I silently watched her fall asleep in the window's reflection.

Somewhere in the rest of my five hour journey the girl's head tipped sideways and against my arm. She's too short to reach my shoulder. I looked at her. She was fast asleep with the music still playing in her ears. I let my gaze shift down to the player in her hand. I pressed the off button. She didn't stir.

Sheep passed by in a blur. Little white dots against a green landscape. We left the city limits a long time ago. Trees were everywhere, and sometimes I would catch a glance of the highway and a car or two. I dozed off when the rain started beating against the windows. The forecast said that there was a fifty percent chance of rain today. I guess they were right. I slept peacefully. I did not dream of things in my past and I did not dream about things that might never come. I just slept. The rain was long forgotten, the unknown girl blocked for my mind.

"Hey mister. Mister. Wake up." I blinked when someone shook me. "Mister, this is the last stop." I blinked again. My eyes focused on a small face with a too big mouth and too big green eyes. She cracked a smile at me and freckles moved on her cheeks. "Last stop." I nodded and gabbed my bag. She walked in front of me and jumped over the small gap separating the train and the station platform. Her honey-brown coloured head disappeared into a small crowd. She was gone.

I let my bag rest over my shoulder and made my way through the people. I've been here before. I know my way around. I stop when I caught sight of the rain pouring down outside the station. I was just one more thing… I started walking into the direction of the place I wanted to be. Or rather, needed to be. The rain wasn't as cold as I expected it to be.

The building had a friendly glow to it. The windows were filled with a warm golden glow and form inside I could hear cheerful voices flowing to the outside. I pushed open the door, closed on account of the weather. I didn't need any directions as I made my way up the stairs towards the room. I found if without any difficulty. Nothing changed. It was all the same. Just the way I left it the last time. My bag dropped to the ground and I sank down on the bed. I am tired.

"It's creepy, isn't it?" I frowned at the voice and pushed myself up. There on the corner of my bed was the girl form the train. Her eyes were focused on something outside the window. I had a good idea of what she was looking at. I must have fallen asleep. The sky was black now, the rain still pouring down. I felt my clothes. They dried slightly. My feet touched the floor as I stood up. She didn't stir. My hands found my wet clothes and I pulled it off my body and dug through my bag for something dry. "I heard that it belonged to a rich family. But they were killed. That's sad."

"Not everyone was killed."

"Where is the owner then?" I shrugged and placed my wet clothes over the chairs in the room. It would be dry tomorrow morning.

"Who are you?"

"Sakura Kinomoto."

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in school?" A smile slipped onto that big mouth of hers. It was a smile… I have no idea what to read into it.

"I am here. That's all that there is too it. Who are you?"

"Syaoran Li. Where is you family Sakura? Aren't your parents looking for you?"

"They've never even noticed I am gone." She kept that strange smile on her face. "I've been gone a very long time." Her eyes were fixed on the house. "I'd like to see that house form the inside on day. I walked around it once, but I couldn't see in. It was too dark. I must be pretty." I pulled open my room door and was suddenly over whelmed by cheerful sounds. People are making use of the cosy restaurant downstairs on this rainy night. She didn't follow me.

I found a table in a far off corner and sat down. My food and coffee was soon brought to me. I was halfway through my meal when Sakura sat down with her own plate. She ate silently with me. Never even bothering to look up form her meal. The live entertainment drew her attention for a while and she laughed at the jokes.

The night was long. The jokes bad. And through it all I could hear the rain, pouring down, never stopping. The place was filled to the brim. Young people were laughing at the bar, having a friendly drink and older people were seated around crowded tables talking about this and that and laughing about what ever they thought to be funny. My mind became cloudy. I watched people leave the place, it was time to go home. The evening's entertainment has passed.

I stumbled up the stairs. She followed me. I stumbled into my room and onto my bed. I lay watching her take off her shoes and placing them neatly next to her bag. The light form the street lamp made her appear silver. She was just an outline. "Who are you?" She didn't answer me. The bed creaked as she sat down next to me. Her fingers found my hair. "Sakura…"

The rain kept pouring down.

**AN: I have no idea how long this story is going to be, but is just love the feel of it. It is fun to write. Way shorter than any of the _Between__ heaven and hell there is earth _chapters, but just as fun. **

**Thank you for reading!**

**Tella**


	2. Chapter 2

**EVERYTHING YOU WANT**

**AN: I do not own Card Captor Sakura**

**CHAPTER 2**

She wasn't there when I woke up.

The sound of rain beat into my mind as I pushed myself up and forced myself into the bathroom. I don't know why I get up in the mornings anymore. I wish that one day I could fall asleep and never wake up. I wish it everyday.

The rain poured down onto the already wet town. The streets were almost flooded. Or rather it looked like it was flooded. Water ran down the sidewalks in rivers and into gutters that are slowly starting to fill up. It was getting colder as well. I watched as men and women darted across the street and up and down the sidewalks under umbrellas. They don't want to get wet. It was refreshing on my skin. My clothes got soaked.

I walked up the street.

Aimlessly.

I have no where to be.

Behind me I could feel the house looming over the town. It always looms. It is the ghost house, the house of fright. Teenagers go up there for sex and fun. No one dared enter it though. The ghosts might get you. They'll tolerate you as long as you stay on the porch. Or so the rumour says. People believe it. There are stories… Teenagers tell stories.

I paused at a small shop. I like this shop. It sells chocolates, the best I've ever tasted. I haven't had chocolate in a long time. I used to come here a lot. I used to make jokes with the owner and tell him that I had a share in his business because of all the chocolate I used to eat. I love chocolate. But I don't want chocolate today. I walk on.

I turn a corner and pause. They closed off the road while I was away. I turn back. I stare at neat black high heels. They are wet, but perfect. Small feet are filling them. A long skirt ends above slender ankles and a slit runs up. I look up. It is a lady's business suit. Black skirt, black jacket, white shirt, black umbrella. I find red painted lips. They seem too long for the small face. Green eyes are smoky, lined with black and hair is pulled back into a neat clip. She looks twenty five.

"You're going to get sick." I shrugged and she shrugged back at me. I walked past her and her umbrella hovered over me. High heels clicked against wet concrete. The inn was warm when we entered. She followed me up the stairs. The sound of water filling the bathtub entered my mind. She disappeared into my bathroom. "Get in." I pulled off my wet clothes and left them on floor before I got into the tub. The water was hot against my cold skin. "Here." I took a cup of coffee from her.

"Who are you?"

"Sakura."

"I know." She smiled at me.

"You look different."

"I had business to attend to."

"Just how old are you?" She didn't answer me. I watched her kick off her heels. They made small sounds against the tiles. Slowly she let her feet slip into the warm water next to me. "Yesterday you looked like a kid."

"I can look like anything you want me to look."

"I liked the kid you." She smiled at me. Her shirt brushed against my knees when she leaned forward and opened the hot tap. Heat covered me once more. "Where are you staying?"

"Close by."

"At a friend's?" She didn't answer me. My coffee disappeared and the water cooled down once again. Her feet slipped out form the tub and she walked out of the room without looking back. My room was empty when I re-entered it. Her heels forgotten in my bathroom.

I lay in my room listening to the rain.

My life is like the sound of rain. That is what I came up with as I lay there. My life is like the sound of rain. No, my life is like rain. It is perfect for a little while and the suddenly it just becomes too much and everything just falls in one instant drowning who ever and what ever it might find… My life is like rain. Soon it will end. It can't go on forever.

I don't want my life to go on forever.

Once upon a time I wanted it to go on for a very long time, now I won't mind if I die tomorrow. I won't mind if I fall asleep now and never wake up. I won't mind if a car hits me and I die a horrible death. I won't mind at all. I don't like my rain-life. My rain is drowning me and I want out. I need out.

I can't kill myself. I tried that once and I just couldn't get that far. I went to a chemist and I got what I needed. I placed it on my nightstand and I had a bottle of water with me as well, just to make the swallowing easier. I took a couple in my hand and they felt too heavy. I couldn't lift them to my mouth, the pills… So I put them back into the bottle and in the end I spent a night staring at a bottle of heavy-duty sleeping pills. I still have them in my bag, but now I use them as according to the directions.

One a night if I can't sleep.

I had the idea of jumping off a bridge once. It was a nice bright sunny day and underneath me the raging waters were shimmering a bright white from the sun. It was a prefect day for a picnic, a perfect day to die. I stood there for hours, until the sun set and then some more. My legs felt too heavy, just like the pills. I couldn't lift them to climb the railing, so in the end I wrote it off as a relaxing day spent watching boats pass by and happy families laugh in the sun.

I slept well that night.

I read About a Boy once and I thought about dying like the duck. I thought that it would be a brilliant way to go. I thought that if I was a duck I would like to die like that. I want some kid with glasses to throw a large piece of bread at me and then just topple over because of the shock. At least it would be funny. People would come to my funeral and ask one another how I died and they could write it on my grave: Death by bread. Garlic bread would be nice. I like garlic bread.

I ate garlic bread for a week after that.

I thought about just living. Just going on the way I am basically going on now. I thought about just existing. It was obvious that I would never be able to kill myself and I blamed him for it. I blamed him for letting me think of suicide and dead ducks and garlic bread. I wish he took me with them on that day. I wish he didn't let me stay behind. I hate living. It's not nice just existing. You need something more substantial.

Then I heard about her.

I heard about a woman or girl that can change your life into anything you want it to be. She can change your memories and make you happy again. So I set out to find her. I've been searching for a while now. Three months I think. They said that I would search for a long time, unless she wants me to find her. So I'm looking for her. The thing is, I don't know what she looks like. I wish I did. I would make it so much easier, but nothing in life is easy. I've learned that early on. I don't care really. It gives me something to do. Even if I search for her until I die, it gives me a reason to get up in the mornings.

Some times, such as on days like these, I think about the duck again. I think about just toppling over like the duck and drifting off to where ever the current took me. I thought about the rain and how much my life was like it. So fickle and often unwanted. And on other days I would remember her and that she is something to look forward to.

Perhaps she will be a small little girl with big bright eyes and two cute pigtails. Perhaps she will be a lovely old woman who smells slightly of rose flavoured creams and too much fabric softener. Perhaps she will be a voluptuous woman filled with desire and sex appeal. Perhaps she'll be like Sakura, small and not really pretty, but pretty enough to notice and to remember. Perhaps she will have a mouth that is just a little too big for her face, and eyes that are just a little too innocent for her years, and a wisdom that is just a little too mature for her own good.

Perhaps she will be nothing like I know or imagine. Perhaps she will turn out to be a he who had a sex change and I will be so distracted by the masculine voice and adams apple that I will forget my wish and miss my chance. Perhaps she will be a whore and I will be so disenchanted with her way of life that I will turn away and walk off. Perhaps she is someone form my past and I will too embarrassed to ask her to change my life for me. Perhaps she doesn't even exist.

That thought crossed my mind more than once.

Perhaps she doesn't exist.

That would be terrible. It would mean that I'll spend years of my life searching for something that does not exist. But if I never had a reason for living and searching for her, even if she doesn't exist, gives me a reason to live then it might not be so bad. A lot of men have died searching for imaginaries. Fight club was to a certain extent imaginary. I think… Everything starts in your mind either way. Even Einstein had an imagination.

I watched the droplets trail down my window. It won't stop raining. I listened to it intently as it continued to pour down onto the earth. I won't go out tomorrow. I don't want to get wet again. My thoughts drifted towards the pair of shoes in my bathroom. They are black and have neat little heals and are made for small attractive women, not for girls who can look seventeen the one day and twenty five the next.

The rain made the golden light from the streetlamp seem misty. It hovered outside my window, going this way and that. It was actually really pretty. The voices from down stairs suddenly became louder and died again. I heard soft footsteps walk over the carpet towards me. I did not turn around to look. I actually could not be bothered. Who ever it is can go away and leave me alone. I don't want to talk. I've had enough of talking. It gets you no where.

The feet stopped, shuffled around a bit and then my bed creaked. I closed my eyes as I felt a body press against me. An arm was wrapped around my waist. I could feel her pressing her face in my back. That almost too big mouth, and those almost too innocent eyes… Sakura Kinomoto. She was back.

She did not say a word. She just held me and I listened to her fall asleep. My eyes found her hand pressed against my chest and I let my fingers brush over hers. Her skin was soft and cold to the touch. I laced my fingers with hers and turned to stare out of the window again. The golden light was still there, still hovering. It was really pretty.

I did not need sleeping pills or bridges or ducks or garlic bread… I slept well that night.


	3. Chapter 3

**EVERYTHING YOU WANT**

**AN: I do not own Card Captor Sakura**

**CHAPTER 3**

One might think that I am going insane.

I don't really live much these days. I don't go out to have fun, I don't desire a relationship with anyone and I don't really enjoy sex anymore – not the way I used to. It has all become mundane. I don't enjoy music or films, not really, not ever. It is not something that has grown on me. I've never been able to keep a conversation going with woman except my female family members and sex… That thrill just disappeared. Now it is just something to do.

All I really seem to do is read. I read anything I can find. Books, magazines, newspapers, newsletters, cerial boxes, instructions, lyrics, crap on the internet… Just about anything I can lay my hands on and physically read. I don't know why. I just do it. I read and I search for her – the woman or girl who can change my life.

It's not much of a life, but it is something to go on. At least I am alive. At least I have a purpose for living. That is why I couldn't take the pills or jump off the bridge. I still have a purpose. I still feel needed to some extent.

The house on the hill looked gloomy. The mist surrounding it only added to the ghost stories. I know the truth. I know that there aren't any ghosts, but I do know that it is not a place I want to go back to. I know that it is a place that takes away my purpose of living. Even now, just looking at it, I feel my life slipping away. It demands death and unhappiness.

I do not pretend to be happy. I am not. I don't even search for happiness anymore, just a way out of what ever this is I am stuck in. But that house… I feel miserable when I look at it. I feel miserable and elevated at the same time. I want to go back there. I want to see if anything changed.

Did someone move something? Are the roses in bloom? Are the walls still the same? Will I be able to find my name carved in the skirting?

My name… I did that years ago. Back when I was a teenager. Back when the worse thing that could possibly happen to me was to find out that the girl I liked didn't like me in return. Fucking bitch cheated on me… I'm still angry about it. She bloody cheated on me right under my nose with that fucking bastard as well.

She was my first, but after I found out about her betrayal she sure as hell wasn't my last. I fell around after that. I still do. Love does not exist, at least not for me.

I feel frustrated.

I feel alive.

Why the hell do I feel alive? I don't want to feel the needs and desires I felt back then. I don't want my urges to come back to me. I want to stay the way I am. I want to stay inhuman.

Please make me stop feeling.

I felt her breath against my skin. It was hot and pleasant. Her head held a slight weight as it rested on my half on my chest and half on my shoulder, her hair was wild and soft, her skin silky when I ran my fingers over her arm… This girl… this woman brought back memories I would rather leave forgotten.

I found myself stroking her arm up and down. The sensation of her skin against mine evoked a certain desire within me. I want to know what she tastes like. I want to know how it feels to kiss her. I want to know how she would respond against me.

I focused my eyes on the house instead.

I shouldn't think of her like that.

She's just a girl.

Her fingers moved on my chest. She pushed herself up and looked down at me with that strange smile of hers plastered on her lips. "How old are you?"

"How old do you want me to be?" I hate her damn riddles.

"When were you born?"

"April the first."

"Year?"

"I can't remember."

"You can't remember your own birthday?" She grinned at me. "Are you even legal?"

"I'm legal." I nodded and turned back to staring out of the window. The mist was slowly disappearing, but the rain picked up again. A soft mist covered the land outside my window. "What are you looking for Syaoran?"

I was startled by her question. "What am I looking for?" She simply smiled and laid her head back down on my chest. I could feel her press her ear against it to listen to my heart. Her fingers slowly tapped the rhythm against my skin. "Why do you want to know that?"

"I am curious."

"You and half the people I meet."

"Well you can't blame us. I know you have questions about me."

"Yet you don't answer them."

"I have my reasons."

"So have I."

"Do you have a family? I left mine behind a long time ago. It was strange to be without them in the beginning, but I got used to it. I still miss him though. My brother. We were close. You're a lot like him in some ways."

"Is that why you stick around, because I remind you of your brother?" She didn't answer. "I had a family once yeah. Five years ago. We lived together in that house." I nodded to the house on the hill. "My mother, father, three sisters and me."

"Why did you leave?"

"I was forced away."

"By who?" I stood up and she nearly fell off me.

"I don't want to talk about it." The carpet was cold under my feet and the bathroom tiles even more so. Her shoes still sat in a corner, discarded and where she left them from the night before. The water was cold as I swallowed it and hot when I washed my face. When I looked up I found her reflection. She was standing right behind me. "Leave me alone."

"You are alone."

"No I'm not. You're here." I twisted around to push her out the door. I froze. She was gone. I ran to the room. She was no where to be seen. "Sakura?" She didn't answer. I sank down the tiled wall and rubbed my hands over my face. I'm going fucking insane. Was she even here? Was she even real? Or did I imagine her? Did I imagine her for the entire night?

I opened my eyes and my gaze landed on her shoes. Those black heels she wore the previous day out in the rain. I picked them up. I could feel them – touch them. She is real. She is not my imagination. Where the hell did she disappear to then?

I don't know how long I sat there holding her shoes. Ages, maybe only for a couple of seconds. I don't know, but I finally managed to force myself into the shower and when I stepped out she was sitting on the edge of the tub. "Are you in a better mood now?"

Annoyed I pulled my towel off the rack and wrapped it around my body. "What the hell are you?"

"What do you want me to be Syaoran Li?"

"Who are you?"

"Sakura."

"Sakura who? What the hell is your last name?" She simply stared at me. I tossed the drinking glass resting next to the basin at her and it shattered in the tub. "Fucking answer me!" My fists gripped onto her arms as I pulled her up. "Answer me Sakura! Who the hell are you?"

"K… Kino… Kino… Kinomoto." Tears suddenly streaked down her pretty face. I became aware of my iron grip on her.

"Shit, oh lord… I'm sorry." I released her and she sank down against the tub crying. "Sakura… I'm sorry. Shit, you're bleeding." I pulled the first aid kit from the cabinet and sat down next to her. She let me touch her arm as I pulled out a piece of glass from her skin. I cleaned the wound and wrapped it and all the while she kept crying.

Guilt flooded through my veins as I watched her cry. I pulled her up against me and held her tight. I did not mean to make her cry. I did not mean to loose my temper. I buried my face in her soft hair as I kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry…" I haven't lost my temper in ages. "I am so sorry Sakura."

All I did was sit and hold her while she cried. I think she cried not because I hurt her physically or because the glass cut her or because I lost my temper with her, I think she cried because her surname brought up memories she'd rather forget. Like I would rather forget. I let her cry her heart out. I let her sob for as long as she wanted.

I lost track of time.

My mind drifted to the name she mentioned. It was an odd name. It sounded really old and oddly familiar. I sifted through my memories as I tried to remember where I've heard that name before. I began with my most recent memories until I was forced to work my way back, way back to the times I would rather forget, and I found it. I remembered where I heard her name.

My dad told the story to me when I was a teenager. We went camping and he would tell me anything thing that he thought I might find interesting. Usually he was spot on and that time was no different. He told me about a man who lost his wife when she gave birth to his daughter, his second child. When the daughter turned seventeen she disappeared.

What was strange is that no one could remember that he even had a daughter. Her bother could not remember her, nor her friends, nor her neighbours, nor were there any records of her existence. But at his death bed his son told his children that he always felt a strange emptiness inside, like something is missing and he finally remembered what was missing. His sister…

I froze and stared down at the girl. She wasn't crying anymore. Her hands were holding onto my arms wrapped around her. When she looked up at me I knew. Those strange green eyes, that small nose with the little cleft, and those broad lips belonged to someone who should not be here. She should not be in my arms. She should not be crying on my bathroom floor…

Sakura Kinomoto disappeared five hundred years ago.

**AN: Hey. This isn't going to be a very long story, so expect it to draw to an end within the next two maybe three chapters. **

**Thank you for your lovely reviews! **


	4. Chapter 4

**EVERYTHING YOU WANT **

**AN: I do not own Card Captor Sakura**

**CHAPTER 4 **

"I made them forget everything about me. I erased every memory they've ever had, everything… But he wouldn't forget the feeling. That feeling bothered him for as long as he lived and I watched him as often as I could. I want to go back. I want to change what I did, but I can't. I can't."

The house was creaking slightly as the wind pounded against it. Outside the rain was still pouring down without any mercy. Inside everything felt damp, cold and neglected. The signs of life had long since disappeared with me.

Her voice was filled with a longing I could associate myself with. I hold the same longing in my heart and mind. I held that longing for so long that I've forgotten myself. I hurt her. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. I hurt her.

Oh lord… How I wish I could take it back. How I wish she did not have that white bandaged on her arm. It is all my fault. If I had not lost my temper… If she had just told me who she was in the first place this would never have happened… Then… Then I wouldn't be here now.

I glanced at her. Her eyes were focused on the scene outside as she leaned against the windowsill. I had lent her one of my tops. It was much too big for her.

Stupid, she did tell me her surname. She told me from the very beginning. I was just so blind. I was so caught up in my own problems that I only started making the connection when…

"Know this Syaoran Li. I can change your life. I can make you forget everything and replace it all. I make you into a new person. I can grant your every wish. I can make your wildest dreams come true."

"But?"

"But I will never be able to completely remove the pain you hold in your heart." She turned to look at me. Her green eyes suddenly held five hundred years of wisdom. "You will always feel an emptiness that you will never be able to explain. You might remember what you miss, you might not."

"Anything I want?"

"Think about it properly before you ask me what you want." I left her there in that room. I left her standing there as I walked up the stairs. I found every room as I left it. My sisters' rooms. Pink, blue, purple and orange… As bubbly as they were. I found my parents' room, white and inviting. I found my room, grey and green.

My eldest sister was pregnant with her first child. Her eyes were constantly alight with life and love. She would touch her belly without even realising it and the rest of us would tease her about it. She was beautiful pregnant. I've never seen her that radiant. I loved her with all my heart.

The second eldest was always dressed in a business like suit. She was driven, powerful, successful and the envy of every man I knew. She held herself tall, she spoke like a queen and she never let anyone look down at her. I loved her with all my heart.

The twins were a handful. They were energetic. They bounced. They would listen to their music extremely loud and sing along with it. They talked about teenage boys and movie stars. They complained about homework and revelled in shopping sprees. They drove me mad. I loved them with all my heart.

My mother was tall and proud. She was elegant and sophisticated. She was everything you could possibly want in a mother. Warm and caring… She held me when I was little and continued to hold me when I grew up. She understood me. I loved her with all my heart.

Father was the most intelligent man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. He told stories that would hold a truth to me sometime in my future. He spoiled his daughters and wife and held his son close. I loved him with all my heart.

He always had an emptiness inside of him…

I found the carving I made all those years ago. My name in the wood. It was rough under my touch. It was warm and caring. It was exactly what I remembered it to be. My name in wood. My name in wood. My name forever carved in the wood of my parents' home. My name…

He held an emptiness until he died.

The rain refused to ease up. It came pouring down. Always coming down. Always reflecting my sour mood. I feel depressed. I feel enlightened. I feel light. I feel refreshed. I feel happy. The rain is wrong today. I feel happy. I wish she sun will shine. I wish the warm rays will come out and touch my face. I want to feel that heat again. I want to surrender myself to the rays of the sun again.

An emptiness?

I've forgotten what happiness feels like. It is ecstatic. It is wonderful. I want more of this. I want more of this feeling. I want to always feel like this. I want to be happy again. I want to be smiling and laughing. I want to see the sun and smile. I want to see the rain and laugh.

Emptiness…

Emptiness?

I've been feeling empty for a very long time now. I've been burning to fill up this hole in my heart. I've been itching to find a reason to send my heart pounding. I don't want to feel empty. I know I will always carry a sense of emptiness with me. I know there will always be something missing form my life. I was stolen away and I can never get it back…

But I can change that emptiness.

She changed that emptiness.

I found her at the window. She was still staring at the rain beating down on the earth. Her eyes watched the small droplets trail down the window one by one. Her green eyes. Her empty green eyes.

She's been feeling empty for as long as I have.

No… longer.

He felt empty for as long as he lived.

How long has she been alive? For how long has she been forced to cope with that loneliness? I am such a selfish bastard. Even know when I think of her I think of myself as well. Selfishness… What has that done to the world? What has that done to her brother? I cannot help it. I need to be selfish again. For the last time, for forever…

I take her hand in mine and our fingers lace. Her skin is soft against mine and I am strangely not shocked at how cold her hands feel.

Out side it is still raining. Out side the world is changing. Water gives life. You need the rain first before the plants of spring will rise form the barren ground. You need tears first before you can find your smile again. I've made peace with the rain. I've made peace with my tears. I cannot cry anymore.

"You have chosen?"

I smiled at her my lips touching her forehead. "I have chosen."

"You can never go back."

"I don't want to."

She granted me my selfish wish.

**. . Fin . . **

**AN: Thank you for all your reviews! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Yes, it is one of my weirder ones again. Thank you for all your lovely reviews. Your support is really always appreciated. **

**Tella**


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